I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
