the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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