Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
where are my eyebrows?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
