I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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