Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
