dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
