She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
