what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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