I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
