I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
