she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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