Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
