I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
