Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
