Rock
Scissors
Fuck
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
