I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
