you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
