Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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