Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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