Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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