Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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