My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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