You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
