Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
