She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Come share oat with me in your robe
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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