ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
