I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
