You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
