Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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