My Higher Power is John Stamos
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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