Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
