My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
