I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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