Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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