how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You took a bar mat shot.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
we're so committed to being not committed
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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