I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
