I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
