Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
