He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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