home. puking in laundry basket.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
