there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
