epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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