He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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