My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
