dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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