Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
