my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
