Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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