she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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