I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
